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Helpful? 1

’Twas the Night Before Christmas

With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore

Posted on Dec 23 2009 by Martin Holladay, GBA Advisor

Saving reindeer fuel. To lower his hay bills, Santa sometimes leaves his sleigh in the garage.

’Twas the night before Christmas, when blizzards and chills
Strain my budget by raising my energy bills;
All the stockings were swaying — a cold winter breeze
Made my home’s leaky envelope feel like Swiss cheese
(The old windows and ceilings have so many gaps
That the kids have to sleep in their kerchiefs and caps) —
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
And I yanked up the creaky old single-pane sash.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But an energy expert — a trained engineer!

The sign on his truck said, “We’ll fix your old home.
If you’ve got any cracks, we’ll fill them with foam!”
A bespectacled fellow came out of the van,
And asked if I needed an infrared scan.

“Lord have mercy!” I muttered. “I certainly do!
Any chance that you came with a blower door, too?”
“Yes I did!” said the man. “I’m an energy geek!
And I promise to find every defect and leak!”

And he whistled, and shouted, and leaned in the van,
While his helper unloaded a door-mounted fan.
“Get the Duct Blaster! Caulk gun! A bottle of Windex!
It’s time to reduce this home’s dismal HERS Index!
We’ll battle your dampness and foul condensation!
And make sure that your house has enough insulation!”

And then up to the attic the engineer flew,
With a cellulose hose and a spray foam gun, too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard a strange sound
As the cellulose bales were chopped up and ground.
When the recycled fibers were blown deep enough,
He came down through the hatchway all covered in fluff.

His eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
He was real — flesh and blood! No mere Christmas illusion!
He even knew all about vapor diffusion!

And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.
Then back down the chimney the engineer came,
And he scolded me gently by saying, “For shame!
If you’re not burning wood and you’re not burning coal,
You don’t need this chimney — so plug up the hole!”

Then he sprang to his van, and he waved his farewell,
And he said, “Since you’ve got an improved building shell —
One that’s tight — it’s important to ventilate right!
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”

Last week's blog: "Martin's Energy Quiz."


Tags: , ,

Image Credits:

  1. Chris LeCroy
11
Comments
1.
Wed, 12/23/2009 - 12:31

That's wonderful
by Riversong

Helpful? 1

Even for a Grinch like me, who tries his best to ignore the mad frenzy of consumption that we call Christmas, this is brilliant.

A very warm solstice to you and all.

2.
Wed, 12/23/2009 - 15:59

Rhyming license
by Andrew Henry

Helpful? 1

Clever use of Windex!

Thanks for a year of frank and informative writing.

Cheers,

Andrew

3.
Wed, 12/23/2009 - 16:04

Uses of Windex
by Martin Holladay, GBA Advisor

Helpful? 1

Windex improves the solar heat gain coefficient of dirty windows, so be sure to throw some in the truck for your next weatherization job.

4.
Wed, 12/23/2009 - 19:52

Happy Holladay!
by Garth Sproule

Helpful? 1

That was great! Seasons Greetings from the "great white north"

5.
Thu, 12/24/2009 - 04:18

subliminal
by Bill Rose

Helpful? 1

Wait a minute! That's not Santa Claus in the photo. Read his name carefully. I think Sarah Plain is in on this. Or Sarah Lapin to mon ami Martin.

6.
Thu, 12/24/2009 - 05:12

C'est vrai, Bill
by Martin Holladay, GBA Advisor

Helpful? 1

You caught me. I couldn't find a good photo of Santa, so I was forced to substitute a photo of his pacifist twin. He lives in California; before he became a bicycle fanatic, he rode with a motorcycle gang and adopted the sinister-sounding nickname by which he is still known.

Joyeux Noël et Bonne Année!

7.
Thu, 12/24/2009 - 10:38

Holiday Project
by Andrew Henry

Helpful? 1

My windows are embarrassingly dirty. I was thinking that might affect my house's solar heat gain. Now I know!

I now have a little holiday project to work away at. To think I considered your use of Windex as artistic license. That said, I'll just use 'vinegar and water' to get my windows clean, of course that doesn't rhyme with 'index'.

Merry Christmas,

Andrew

8.
Thu, 12/24/2009 - 10:56

Merry Christmas to Martin and All
by John Brooks

Helpful? 1

And especially to Bill Rose....
Bill can see things that many of us overlook.

next cooling season I may avoid cleaning my windows.

9.
Thu, 12/24/2009 - 17:50

Glorious!
by Michael Chandler, GBA Advisor

Helpful? 1

Martin
you have outdone yourself on this!

We'll be reading it aloud in front of the fire this evening.
All the best to all

Michael

10.
Fri, 01/08/2010 - 13:09

Closed Cell Spray Foam R values
by John O'Brien

Helpful? 1

Hi Martin,
I was trying to figure out a way to respond to your reply to my post at FHB, but couldn't figure it out (not a computer geek!!) Anyway, in your reply you said that it wasn't true that spray foam "reaches its maximum R-value at about 5-6 inches which equals approx. R 30-36." I got that info from a PDF file I downloaded from FHB comparing closed and open cell foams by Rob Yagid - so is he wrong, or did I not read that correctly?
Thanks for your help,
Jobphoto

11.
Fri, 01/08/2010 - 13:38

Sounds wrong
by Martin Holladay, GBA Advisor

Helpful? 1

John,
If you are quoting Rob Yagid correctly, he got it wrong.

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