musingsheader image
Helpful? 0

Christmas Carols from the Energy Nerd

A collection of new seasonal songs

Posted on Dec 17 2010 by Martin Holladay, GBA Advisor

You are missing some Flash content that should appear here! Perhaps your browser cannot display it, or maybe it did not initialise correctly.

Download .mp3

UPDATED December 23, 2010:
Click on the mp3 link above to listen to a recorded version of "The Blower Door Man Is Coming to Town." Many thanks to Greg Cutler and Peter Troast of The Energy Circle for recording one of this year's carols.

Rudolph the Sloppy Builder

You know all about Norm Abram
And that old builder named Bob
But do you recall
The most infamous builder of all?

Rudolph the sloppy builder
Has a very shiny truck,
And everyone who sees it
Says he has money (or luck).
But all of the other builders
Say that Rudolph’s buildings leak.
They always tell poor Rudolph,
“Your envelope details are weak.”

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Rudolph surfed the Web,
Where he found a site so bright
It showed him how to build real tight.

Then all the builders loved him
And they shouted out with glee,
“Rudolph the PassivhausA residential building construction standard requiring very low levels of air leakage, very high levels of insulation, and windows with a very low U-factor. Developed in the early 1990s by Bo Adamson and Wolfgang Feist, the standard is now promoted by the Passivhaus Institut in Darmstadt, Germany. To meet the standard, a home must have an infiltration rate no greater than 0.60 AC/H @ 50 pascals, a maximum annual heating energy use of 15 kWh per square meter (4,755 Btu per square foot), a maximum annual cooling energy use of 15 kWh per square meter (1.39 kWh per square foot), and maximum source energy use for all purposes of 120 kWh per square meter (11.1 kWh per square foot). The standard recommends, but does not require, a maximum design heating load of 10 W per square meter and windows with a maximum U-factor of 0.14. The Passivhaus standard was developed for buildings in central and northern Europe; efforts are underway to clarify the best techniques to achieve the standard for buildings in hot climates. builder,
You’ll go down in history!”

Up On the Housetop

Up on the housetop roofers strip
Shingles off, from eave to hip,
Putting down foam board, trying to stop
Heat from escaping out the top.

Ho, ho, ho!
Heat likes to flow!
Ho, ho, ho!
Heat likes to flow!
Up on the housetop, seal your home,
Fill all the cracks and lay down foam.

After the foam guys seal the crawl,
Workers begin to strip a wall.
Styrofoam sheathingMaterial, usually plywood or oriented strand board (OSB), but sometimes wooden boards, installed on the exterior of wall studs, rafters, or roof trusses; siding or roofing installed on the sheathing—sometimes over strapping to create a rainscreen. , strapping too,
Into the cracks they squeeze some goo.

Ho, ho, ho!
Heat likes to flow!
Ho, ho, ho!
Heat likes to flow!
Up on the housetop, seal your home,
Fill all the cracks and lay down foam.

Next, ventilation — HRVs
Ventilate with a gentle breeze.
Tightening homes to stop the chill
Also lowers your energy bill.

Ho, ho, ho!
Heat likes to flow!
Ho, ho, ho!
Heat likes to flow!
Up on the housetop, seal your home,
Fill all the cracks and lay down foam.

The Blower Door Man Is Coming To Town

Oh, you better not freak,
You better not cry,
Go seal every leak,
I’m telling you why:
The blower door man is coming to town!

Did the windows get sealed?
Did you tape things right?
His test will reveal
Who’s leaky or tight,
The blower door man is coming to town!

He knows when you were sloppy,
He knows if you’ve been lax,
He knows when you’ve been bad or good,
So be sure to foam the cracks!

So, you better not freak,
You better not cry,
Go seal every leak,
I’m telling you why:
The blower door man is coming to town!

The workers in their pickups
Are watching with concern,
The bright red door is all set up,
And the fan's about to churn.

So, you better not freak,
You better not cry,
Go seal every leak,
I’m telling you why:
The blower door man is coming to town!

Grandma Got Chopped Up By a Door Fan

Grandma got chopped up by a door fan
Coming home real late on Christmas Eve.
You can say that blower doors are harmless,
But as for me and Grandpa, we just grieve.

The blower-door man, who was Jewish,
Had no problem working Christmas week.
Grandma was drunk on too much eggnog.
And she died as we were checking for a leak.

When we found her Christmas morning,
The fan had pulled off half her coat.
She had fan marks on her forehead,
And her lungs were sucked up almost to her throat.

Grandma got chopped up by a door fan
Coming home real late on Christmas Eve.
You can say that blower doors are harmless
But as for me and Grandpa, we just grieve.

Now we’re all so proud of Grandpa.
He’s been taking this all right.
See him in there with his caulk gun,
Making sure his windows are all tight.

It’s just not Christmas without Grandma.
All the family’s dressed in black.
And we just can’t help but wonder:
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?

Grandma got chopped up by a door fan
Coming home real late on Christmas Eve.
You can say that blower doors are harmless
But as for me and Grandpa, we just grieve.

Now the house is much less leaky
And we don’t shiver any more,
But how I wish that dear old Grandma
Never walked up to that blower door.

“Watch out for fans,” I tell my neighbors.
I’ve told the guys, I've told the gals.
Grandma was pulverized completely
When the fan was set to 55 Pascals.

Grandma got chopped up by a door fan
Coming home real late on Christmas Eve.
You can say that blower doors are harmless
But as for me and Grandpa, we just grieve.

Baby It’s Cold Outside

It’s so drafty in here — Baby, it’s cold outside,
Why do our walls leak so? — Baby it’s cold outside,
This house used to be — I should caulk the cracks,
So very nice — I think the builder was lax,
But the fuels bills are high — I’ll get to it soon,
There are leaks in the floor — Hear the furnace roar!
And we waste so much fuel — But I need some more tools,
I’ll give you half a month more — I'll fix the front door.

I hear the neighbors talk — Baby, it’s bad out there,
Like, “When will they caulk?” — Windy and cold out there,
It seems you’re always late — Yes, I procrastinate,
I need to fix my spouse — I'll improve this house,
This house feels like a tent — I know you’ll relent,
When you promised, you lied — But, baby, I tried,
I shouldn’t give in — Being slow is no sin,
Ahh, but it’s cold outside.

I simply must insist — Baby, it’s cold outside,
I’m getting quite pissed — Ooh baby, it’s cold outside,
This winter has been — I’ll patch the big holes with tin,
So bitter and cold — I’ll scrape off the mold,
My aunt says you’re lazy — Your family is crazy,
My sister says you’re a bum — Let’s drink some more rum,
My brother calls this is a shack — I’ll get a LEEDLeadership in Energy and Environmental Design. LEED for Homes is the residential green building program from the United States Green Building Council (USGBC). While this program is primarily designed for and applicable to new home projects, major gut rehabs can qualify. plaque,
I'll give you one week more — Never such a blizzard before.

We can’t call this a house — It’s freezing out there,
I’ve got a dud for a spouse — There’s a sweater somewhere,
The windows leak air — They just need some repair,
The sheetrock’s a mess — Soon, we'll blower-door testTest used to determine a home’s airtightness: a powerful fan is mounted in an exterior door opening and used to pressurize or depressurize the house. By measuring the force needed to maintain a certain pressure difference, a measure of the home’s airtightness can be determined. Operating the blower door also exaggerates air leakage and permits a weatherization contractor to find and seal those leakage areas.,
It makes me cry, I confess — This house won’t leak no mo’
So I really can’t stay — Ah, but you can’t go,
Because it’s cold outside.

Last year’s parody: “’Twas the Night Before Christmas.”


Tags: , , ,

Image Credits:

  1. Camila Gimeno
1.
Fri, 12/17/2010 - 11:27

I had no idea you were such a
by Justin Fink

Helpful? 2

I had no idea you were such a lyricist, Martin! Ha!


2.
Fri, 12/17/2010 - 11:33

Martin's Song Stylings
by Patrick McCombe

Helpful? 0

Brilliant!


3.
Fri, 12/17/2010 - 11:46

A breath of fresh air
by ROY HARMON

Helpful? -1

Thanks Martin, They're great!


4.
Fri, 12/17/2010 - 12:08

Happy Holidays
by Andrew Henry

Helpful? -1

Hi Martin,

That was a clever LEED plaque dig! : )

I have been anticipating your Christmas parody as eagerly as my kids are anticipating Christmas. Thanks for another year of green building and building science journalism.

Cheers,

Andrew


5.
Fri, 12/17/2010 - 12:26

CD or youtube holiday special
by J Chesnut

Helpful? 1

Excellent.
Now was it Michael Chandler who mentioned he was a musician? Someone really should perform these and upload music files using the advanced features of this site ; )


6.
Fri, 12/17/2010 - 12:37

Bah Humbug
by Carl Seville, GBA Advisor

Helpful? -1

Being both Jewish and a curmudgeon, never had much need for Christmas, although these are pretty humorous for the building science geek set.


7.
Fri, 12/17/2010 - 13:25

Thanks. I think.
by Joe W

Helpful? 0

We need audio to record all the groans.

Merry Christmas, and happy holidays, to you, too.

Joe W.


8.
Fri, 12/17/2010 - 21:44

fabulous!
by Doug

Helpful? -1

Loved every corny rhyme!


9.
Tue, 12/21/2010 - 10:19

Absolutely love this. What
by Dan

Helpful? 0

Absolutely love this. What are the chances of getting permission to publish with credit given in a local paper? Can I re post on my blog?


10.
Tue, 12/21/2010 - 14:28

Response to Dan
by Martin Holladay, GBA Advisor

Helpful? 1

Dan,
Yes, you can republish the Carols. Check your e-mail In box for more information.


Register for a free account and join the conversation


Get a free account and join the conversation!
Become a GBA PRO!